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[07 Sep 2003|08:52pm] |
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mood |
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 stressed |
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Don't know what to say.
Just now I was talking to Emily online. I was kinda happy to see her online coz I wanted to talk to her coz I could never have a conversation with her everytime their is someone calling, but then again she didn't talk to me and just signed off...
Don't know what to say or do... Just wish my life just ended here today...
Just looking at some pictures right now... I don't know how to post pictures here...
(sigh)
Life sucks I swear
going to go now
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[07 Sep 2003|08:35pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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Blues are some of the most loving, nurturing and
supportive personalities. They live from their
heart and emotions. Their purpose for being on
the planet is to give love, to teach love and
to learn that they are loved. Their priorities
are love, relationships, and spirituality.
What Is Your True Aura Colour?
brought to you by Quizilla
Oh
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| I like this Poem alot |
[07 Sep 2003|07:42pm] |
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mood |
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 sad |
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music |
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No music |
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Destroying what was once ours
these walls of fire consuming towers
the walls I built with my hungry hate
the walls which have no hopeful gate
no entry for me to help the caged
those within are entrapped and raged
those trapped within the fire
are the feelings I must acquire
to feel my loves touch, once more
but these walls they show no door
no door helps me out to seek
for who am I but the meek
without the one I so adore
the one I love knows me no more
slumber means two things to me
hope for death for me to see
and no matter what I do
I hope for the return of you
to a conclusion I have come
I hate myself, for what I’ve done
the lesions that I shall create
in my heart are all for hate
the pain I wield within my soul
my sorrow, I place on the coal
why can I not be free?
free from, my love for thee.
My bones are breaking, my body aching.
but physical pain to me means naught
as to the teachings that I fought
every man must learn for him
the pain hurts most from within.
opportunity has left, she has flown away
she takes my soul for another day
never for me to love I know
I have failed to learn, so my life shall go.
The sweet surrender of my life
for without you I trust the knife.
My life has no meaning,
uncertainty, lack of feeling
I wish for death to take me now
so no longer I long for thou
I ask, I hope, I wish, I pray
for my life to end today.
the pact which I have made within
my one "special" life, I shall not end
by my own hand I shall not die
so I pray for some random guy
to take my life, in anyway
I pray for this on everyday.
I don’t know what is wrong
the fear helps me write this song
without my hope I have nothing left
free from hassle or from theft
for in my soul now lies nothing
I smile because the end is always coming.
There is no end to my pain and sorrow
except for the one I wish for tomorrow
the inevitable feeling of deaths grip
whilst I sit here biting my lip.
hoping for that one true love
to fly to me like the dove
so I may smile as she sings
while death comes to me on swift wings.
My one true companion on my travel
is my friend death he helps me unravel
this mystery of life, this mystery of why
the ultimate question we ask till we die
to those who live in ignorant bliss
you shall never understand deaths kiss
death is not good, nor is death bad
but it is, the only answer to be had
My life as a human, has been quite swell
but the time has come for me to say farewell
I appreciate those I met on my way
it’s been a while since that fateful day
I was brought into this world in miracle of light
and now I return to the land of eternal night
but color no longer means anything to me
for now I am dead and no color I see
no sounds I can hear, no food I can taste
but death is something I can say I have faced.
nothing I touch, and no roses I smell
that tolling is coming now from MY death bell
no longer I worry, no longer I care
about how my life was so very unfair
I am peaceful now that I am in my grave
I apologies for the mistakes I have made.
for the trouble I caused, I meant no harm
my own selfish wants set off the alarm
do not be sad, there is no sorrow
I made my choice, so you should borrow
my advice to all, which goes like this
please do not live in ignorant bliss
make your choices stand proud and tall
the world is nothing but your own flaming wall
we are all just prisoners in this thing we call life
but life’s what we make it and I chose the knife
to each his own, and to all there choices
the choice I made freed me from the voices
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| Missing Emily |
[05 Sep 2003|08:41pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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Sad songs in my head |
] |
Sigh
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[31 Aug 2003|09:20pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
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music |
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missing Emily |
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Just thinking... about Emily
She is going to move soon to Santa Cruz and then she didn't even tell me, and she knows that I was going to see her... life sucks man!
I don't know for some reason I use to feel that probably she will love me once again and care about me once again.... and then when she called me once very late I was so happy I thought she was missing me alot... but it was just nothing like that... but I was so fucking happy when she called me, I was like Emily called me!! hahaha
I want to say so much but I just don't have words... Right now I'm talking to Rick and the first thing he asked me was how is Emily doing? yeah Emily is fine she is doing just fine...
it's just too obvious that a Damn ugly person like me doesn't deserve such a beautiful person... I just emailed her...
I was really wanting to see her this december but now she is moving and after all this I don't know if I want to see her I mean I do want to see her but then if I don't see her I'm still hurted and if I do I'm still hurted... what to do? I should just really REALLY kill myself, and I know I can't but I want to :(
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| Love is so painful... |
[31 Aug 2003|07:13pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
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music |
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Loosing Grip- Avril Lavigne |
] |
Hey livejournal
Haven't been here for months! oh well things were happening...
Today is the most fucked up day in my life... before I was not sure about certain things about the person who I love so much... but today I'm. I read her live journal... I thought probably she would mention about people she loves and cares about, and YES she did! but not about me, I really thought she cares about me and she loves me... but I was like not thinking about, just carried away... ahh life so fucked...
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| Movies |
[15 Jun 2003|08:59pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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music |
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Music in my head |
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Recently I got some latest movies to watch but ofcourse pirated ones... XMen 2 and Matrix Reloaded... total disappointment. XMen 2 was some how ok movie but Matrix it was just not all that as expectations. I guess this 2nd part was out of no where lol and then the third one Revolution... don't know what will that bring later. I'm trying to do some quizzes here but nothing is working. I have to ask Emily some sites... ahh Emily, I miss her so much... I really want to put her pictures here but I don't know how...
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| Back |
[25 May 2003|08:01pm] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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music |
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I wish you were here- Incubus |
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As I sit on the computer once again, I have come to realise that life follows two paths. You either be strong and get over it, or you get dragged down by it. I know this seems trivial to most as they have known this most of their lives. When one hits rock bottom there is only one direction to go and that is up. Life has its own funny way of showing us how the balance works, always there is balance. Every man, women, and child must know pain to know pleasure, this is why there are so many problems in the world because they need to be there. Without any problems at all, we would no longer know what happiness is and we would live in a non productive mechanical world. Many a time I have argued that life has no purpose, it is a game that repeats itself. We all live the same life, we try to make enough money to live well, every one of us, and yet the people who don't follow this trend are labelled "insane". Every person is effected by others, and in the most part it is those others that are the driving force behind that incentive. Has anyone ever noticed that the richest men in the world (excluding the Sultan of Brunei who inherited his fortune) are single, has anyone ever wondered why this is? Its because the people who are not single no longer strive to become overly powerful megalomaniacs. They are content with what life has given them and no sum of money can change that. As I ramble on in this manifesto of human inadequacy I realise that all my arguments over the past 3-4 years have been in vain. No matter what I say here, every person will have their own opinion and their own stance on the way life is. Unfortunately no on will ever give me the pleasure of hearing their thoughts. Many times I have argued that life has no purpose and without purpose there is no meaning, Going with my ever pessimistic viewpoint I failed to realise the truth, and that is that balance is what flows in our veins, runs our lives, and keeps the planet in order. With this knowledge I now step into the world as a new born son of life, a child of infinity for without the balance that surrounds me my life would be more meaningless than it seems at the moment.
This explains alot here...
Today I miss my buddy alot, Ryan McClean Hewitt, after a long time I said his full name, the last time I was talking to him I was crying... I don't know I just feel so empty right now, I really miss him, he is my only best friend, he is the only person who actually understands me... yesterday I talked to him for awhile on MSN and he said that he really loves me as a friend... and I don't deserves half of the shit I get from anyone... I don't know that why do I always live from people who I care about alot... Ryan is the only person who actually cares and he lives so far, Australia! I really don't feel like updating here... just really bored and very bored lol, I want to talk to Ryan but no money I want to call Emily the same thing no money at all... I really want to go somewhere now... I guess I will just take some surveys...
Later
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| Exhausted |
[24 Apr 2003|09:28pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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By Myself- Linkin Park |
] |
I'm really tired today, very exhausted. Really very busy the whole day but very bored. I just want to go, it's not like I do nothing the whole day, if their was someone at my place, I gurantee that person can't stand it one day, to work here is so hard. Anyways looking at Emily's picture lol, well can't stop thinking about her, this is so strange that no matter how busy I am, I will be still thinking about her, if I'm free for couple of minutes I will lay down and close my eyes and I will be dreaming about her, like having a mild illusion. Just don't know when I'm going to see her now since I'm living with my parents, my parents really don't care about me, infact they want I should stop talking to her and actually talk to someone they life and I don't know her... I just don't like it when they say something about Emily. Can't stand it. They don't know what I feel about her and Emily means everything to me... I really love her alot, missing her alot right now. I Want to call her but I guess I'm kinda embarrassed to talk to her coz of that night... I mean it wasn't bad at all coz once she was in my place and I was at her place but we both were in love... before things were so good between us and now things have changed... so much. I know the reasons why but don't feel like mentioning here I really feel hurted then. But I swear to Emily those people who are responsible for all this differences wil one day feel like how I do right now, and even worst. Anyways, don't want to think about them either. Every dog has his/her day...
Anyways I have to go now, not hungry at all, but I still have to eat. Something is really bothering me, I have been getting up every midnite I mean, I can't sleep, keep getting up every 2-3 hours, and right away I'm thinking about Emily, I will think about her before I even breathe, I can possibly forget breathing for one moment but not Emily...
gotta go
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| Boring |
[21 Apr 2003|07:54pm] |
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mood |
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bored |
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music |
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A place for my head- Linkin Park |
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Today was no work, got off bit earlier. Really bored right now, talking to Yuri, he is always talking about cars and bikes that he was going to buy that car or that bike and it got sold a day before lol, yesterday was Easter sunday anyways I don't really celebrate easter. Trying to look for some site to play some online quizzes, can't think of doing anything interesting, emailed Emily yesterday, but no replies I guess she was busy or something with this whole easter thingie, even she wasn't at home when I called her yesterday.
I want to go somewhere, it's boring in this city, anyways I'm going to take some quiz.. laterz
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| some more |
[20 Apr 2003|08:59pm] |
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mood |
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hungry |
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music |
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I don't know |
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You're the smirk,a frown-smile hybrid that's a
little bit cocky and usually associated with
evil or arrogant,but attractive people.You
probably just don't give a damn,but it's
everyone else's fault if you don't because
you're too awesome to have any real faults.
What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Oh, cool lol
You are Oscar...You are wild and crazy and you know
it. You know how to have fun, but you may take
it to extremes. You know what you are doing
though, and are much in control of your own
life. People don't always see things your way,
but that doesn't mean that you should do away
with your beliefs. Try to remember that your
wild spirit can lead to hurting yourself and
others.
Which Muppet Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Picture?
you are an angel-a spirit sent to gaurd life you
are careing and kind
What type of witch are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Oh cool...
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| Raining.... |
[20 Apr 2003|08:04pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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music |
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Truly, Madly, deeply- Savage Garden |
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Hey, yesterday was ok, went out to some thai restaurant, I like that restaurant, Bangkok Terrase. I actually had fun there, well it was ok, I was talking to Emily about the place where I was going and the people I was going with, and I was complaining that I would be so bored there, and she was like telling I should try and have fun, and it was ok better than before and I was missing Emily alot, I have to email now though :). I just wanted her there with me in that restuarant! She is really awesome, yesterday we laughed alot, I was kinda teasing her on the phone! hahaha she is awesome I love her! But one that really suck is about her dad, well I'm glad he is not living with them coz that would be like hell for Emily and then I would be left with no options but take Emily out of there and run away with her hahaha anyways her dad is such an asshole, I'm sure 1000s of assholes might have died and then this web head was born grrr. I don't know him but I swear I hate him! I want his no. so I can call him and insult him so much that he will just be left wondering for the rest of his life that who was that guy on the phone.
Emily deserves alot better than that creep, yesterday, Emily said she likes me alot than those rich white guys her father wanted her to go out with... sometimes I wonder what to do with her... I mean I don't know that if she is ever going to love me like she did before... I mean I hope she still cares about me.. but I want her... I want her to love me the way I do... I'm glad we are talking after all that crap happened between us, and I hope we always talk like that, but then I want something else too, something more... I just want her for the rest of my life... I want to frow old with her, of course I can't go there and just ask to marry me hahaha God, I love her alot! I just don't want anything to happen her. But if she let me in her life I swear I will be the most luckiest person in the universe! hmmm lol
After the restaurant we all were at this night club shit I shall say a whote house, the name was NEW YORK but I swear it didn't look like any of those night clubs in new york. They were playing some really good music though, and I was missing Emily alot overthere, I just wanted to dance but I wanted to dance with her. I just wish that one of my dreams come true... only one and I will be very happy. I love Emily more than everything... I want to call her but calls are so bloody expensive here I shall look for another way to talk to her for long...
TOday was alright so far... didn't go to play cricket, was feeling lazy lol so I stayed at home, and guess I was making breakfast for my and my dad, haha my dad thinks I'm like some professional french cook for him lol, he asked me to make some ham and omelette sandwich hahaha, but it was ok, needed some more salt, but it was eatable lol, and then nothng much, was watching this movie and the whole movie was shit everything was taken from She's all that and I know what you did last summer, sucks! nothing original left. Charlie Chaplin was cool. I like classics comedy, Charlie Chaplin, Laurel and Hardy, The three Stooges, I miss those serials alot.
Anyways I have to email Emily,
Laterz
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| Back again |
[17 Apr 2003|08:20pm] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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music |
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11 am - Incubus |
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Ok this is a better one, I can listen atleast some muisc, I don't when I'm going to get my own computer prefer to have a laptop... anyways yesterday I called Emily, I really miss her alot, whenever I call her I only can talk to her for some time not for long like before, coz this place to make phone calls are so bloody expensive! Anyways she sent me her picture, she is so beautiful, even more than before, well she had a hair cutt again and I don't like it when she does but no offense she looks really beautiful now, it's like beauty itself stays in her... I can believe that I'm still in love with her, I mean it's not bad but I'm a guy who will never like someone for more than 2 months but I'm in love with her since I knew her, when she was 14 I was in love with her and uptill now... I thought it was infactuation or obessesion but it's not couldn't be for so long. I only thought people talk about dream girls but I actually met her and that's no body but Emily. I don't know what to do sometimes, I love her so much, but she has changed, their was a time when she loved me as well, but then she said she wasn't being her self, that was very long time ago... but it still hurts.. after remembering all those nice little things she used to tell me and then all this.. :( I sometimes wish and dream that one day may be she gives me a chance, though I'm a invisible person to her and I prety much don't exist for her, but still I still try to keep myself happy that atleast she is talking to me... I know I'm not that good looking person I guess but I don't think so she will be offended in some way if she goes out with me... or stand next to me? I just wish I could feel her touch right now... I want to put her picture here, so everyone can see who is this beautiful person I always talk about, if she ever gives me a chance to go out with her I will consider myself the luckiest guy in this universe...
My parents wants me to go out with somebody well they want me to be with someone they actully like.. but they don't know Emily, she is amazing :) but it's just that I'm not all that good to be with her... (sigh)
Sometimes when I'm lying on my bed, just wish she was there with me, I don't want to touch her or anything just look at her, and she is sleeping and I'm just looking at her (not being pevert at all) I just wish things were like the way it was before between me and her... I have this little thing written down here...
When I lay upon my bed reminisce then I wish
That I got you by my side with the cherry red kiss
Hit me off make it soft hold me tight through the night
You know i'm gonna fight cos the thing we had was right
but if you go all I know is I can't go a day without you
I'm feeling for you baby ain't you hearing the alarms
You can't stop all the love that I got
Wanna rewind time to better days when we were hot check it
Bring back the better days for me baby
You gotta bring em back cos i'm going crazy
I go insane with you name up in my brain
Things will never be the same you ain't up in my frame
so what you gonna do what you gonna say
tell me that your gonna push your loving back this way
I guess this is what I'm going through right now. hmmm
I had a dream about her like 2 nights ago...
jush wish she was here, really missing her right now, anyways, I guess I should do some quizzes..
laterz
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| Bored... |
[17 Apr 2003|07:50pm] |
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blank |
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music |
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none |
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Well today their was riots in downtown so couldn't go to work, coz of these chinese asshole monks haha, these chinese people are not good at all, they always walk over the market strategies and ruin the everyone's business, I don't deal with them but still I had to close my shop for a day and that sucks coz I have to pay my expenses everyday. oh well
Anyways, I have been thinking about Emily alot, nothing new in that, she sent me some of her new pictures lets a day old lol
Gotta change computer this one sucks!
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princerj's journal
bouncy
hopeful
